Sunday, November 30, 2008

Giving Thanks and Realities

We have just finished our Thanksgiving holiday with family. I was in Salt Lake for a week before the holiday to baby sit my five grandchildren while their parents took a well-deserved vacation. My stepson flew over from Prescott to spend the week with his father while I took my "respite". The children are all in school full time now and aside from the busy mornings of preparing breakfasts, getting them off to school on time and the chaos of coming home from school, hungry, homework laden, figuring out who needs to be at soccer practice, singing lessons, church activities, etc, the days were filled with solitude and lots of time for reflection.

While I enjoyed those silent hours, my connection to my husband and concerns about his well being were strong and ever present. Which leads to the question....does one ever really have a respite, relief from this disease and the care giving involved?

I flew home just before the holiday to prepare for my family to visit for Thanksgiving. I had a houseful as usual and enjoyed the chaos and cacophony of children playing and swimming in the pool and family engaged in conversation. All the while, observing my husband retreating, silently trying to follow all the activity, hiding his confusion and his disease as best as he could. He managed with wonderful patience to play pool with the kids, teaching them how to put "english" on the ball. Some of his skills are not forgotten. I was proud of him.

We had our family holiday and everyone left. The house is empty and I had the usual letdown. I started to think about Thanksgiving and how much work it had been and how tired I was and given the current circumstances with portfolios tanking, my husband's illness and the bleak future we face, I wondered what this Thanksgiving really meant, not only to us but to a whole nation.

This is what I concluded after my small "pity party". First of all, when I look into my husband's eyes and his warm and totally open response to my love and affection and his "I love you", I am thankful that despite the effects of his disease, he has not lost his ability to show his love. It has changed him, it has made him gentler, softer, kinder and open to love in the most basic way.

I am also grateful that I am able to be with my family at this time of year and connect with my extended family and know that they are all doing well despite the economic crisis. My house is empty but my heart is full. I didn't take one picture the whole time of their visit but I have memories of my six year old granddaughter jumping into the pool with wild abandon and swimming to the side as she learned to do this time around. I watched as my grown sons teased each other as they played video games like two little boys. I have memories of my daughter-in-law Hannah, making homemade dinner rolls with her little niece. I enjoyed shopping with the "girls" at the mall. My granddaughter must have tried on every pair of jeans in the store before settling on the perfect pair.

While the realities of our own struggles do not disappear in a day or a week or even a year, it seems important to me to consider the currency of love and family and the blessings of the moment. Nothing but our own resolve can get us through tough times and even now as I face an uncertain future with all its concerns, I remind myself that we cannot change the past and all we can do is live the moments that are given to us in the best way possible.