Monday, October 19, 2009

Letting go of Normal

I had had a frustrating day. I was venting, complaining to my son about my husband's inability to understand simple instructions, being confused about the same thing over and over again. He should be able to pour himself a cup of coffee, he should know the difference between a roll of paper towels and toilet paper. He should.......and my son interrupted me. "Mom, you are expecting him to be normal, he isn't, he has Alzheimers. You need to let go of your expectations" The cold splash of his words hit me. After all this time of living with my husband and his slow descent into the middle stages of his dementia, I finally reached the turning point of coming to terms with the reality of this disease. Normal doesn't exist in our home anymore. I have let go. Normal is coming downstairs to have a morning cup of coffee and conversation with my husband. Now it is explaining everyday that we are married and I am the Adele that he refers to in the abstract. Normal is having a partner in marriage. Now it is having a full grown man becoming delusional, confused and more and more dependent on me for the most basic needs. Normal was being able to go to the grocery store alone or an art class. Now I cannot leave him for even several minutes for fear what he might do in his panic. I have let go of normal. Acceptance is part of dealing with this disease. As I look across the table at the man I love who is now the shell of the man I knew I realize each day will take him farther and farther away from me. Now I don't try to explain or rationalize, I fib. "When will we go home?" he asks. "We're spending the night here", I respond. "We will go home tomorrow." "Did you leave a note for Adele?" "Yes, I did." It has made life a little easier. We live in a strange world now, a world of twists and turns and sudden unexplained behaviors. There is no rhyme or reason to his strange questions and responses. And I know that nothing can stop this downward spiral. Nothing will bring him back to me. So I must learn to live with and accept this new relationship. This alien in the body of my husband. Yes, normal doesn't exist in our home anymore.