Hitting the Wall

"Hitting the Wall" is the phrase that long distance runners use when they are at a critical point in their race. It is that point that the strength, and energy in the body seems to disappear and they feel that they cannot continue. They push themselves through this feeling and somehow it passes and they finish the race. In my journey and marathon in dealing with my husband's dementia, I have hit the wall. I feel at times that I can no longer stand up to the challenges of this disease. It is winning and I am desperately trying just to stay in the race. But this is a race I cannot , will not win.

My husband's functioning is declining rapidly now. He is a simple child that must be bathed, fed and told how to sit, to put one foot in a shoe and then the other. He has become completely incontinent but will fight any attempts to clean him up. It takes superhuman strength to get clothes off and on him. He will not eat unless you feed him, although he can hold a fork or spoon in his hand, he does not know what to do with them. I have hired a home caregiver but I must be present to calm him when we change him because he becomes agitated. He sits and stares blankly at nothing. His moments of cognition are small little snippets of time. He said, "Thank you," the other day when I put a sweater on him. It was a surprise, a moment and then it was gone. I have lost the desire to try and engage him. I am too busy just tending to his physical needs now.

Yes, I have hit the wall and I feel I have lost, I cannot go on. I have pushed myself through other battles. I have seen the look on other faces in my Alzheimer's support group. The tired, strained, and defeated look that I now have.