Friday, February 3, 2012

I am losing him.

Yesterday, my husband was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia, a urinary tract infection, failing kidneys, and several large pressure sores on one foot and his buttocks. He was in a board and care for the last two months and when I returned from a five day respite, I went to see him and he was jerking violently, he had been placed on pureed food and he looked terrible.

He went in weighing 141 and was now 120 lbs. I was outraged and insisted that we take him to his PCP. After arriving, the doctor said that there was definetly something wrong even though at the time his vitals were normal. By the time he was admitted his temp was 104. He was in sepsis. The next 24 hours are crucial even though he isn't responding well to the antibiotics.

I am devastated to say the least and feeling horribly guilty. I placed him in this board and care (which came highly recommended) in December because he was still walking and moving about but had become increasingly difficult and would fight me and his caregiver when we tried to change him or bathe him. I couldn't physically care for him any longer.

This home was four blocks away and I visited him every day. I started to notice a decline and was upset at some things that the home was doing, like leaving him in a recliner for hours on end. He had developed the foot sore so they would not let him walk anymore. He became weaker.

Would he have declined this rapidly had he been home? I don't know and perhaps I never will. He has an Advanced Health Directive with a DNR and we discussed it. But let me tell you, carrying out his wishes will not be easy. The doctors say even if he survives, he will never go back to where he was before he got sick.

I can go on second guessing what I should have done but in the end it wouldn't have mattered because in the end this disease will win.

I knew this day would come. A part of me says it is for the best considering his disease. But I don't want to let go. I want to hang on and hold his hand and touch his face, even if he no longer knows me. I want the comfort of his existence. I don't want to live in this life without him but I know I must. God, I hate this disease. My lover, my partner, my best friend is slipping over the precipice and I can't hold onto him.