Monday, February 11, 2013

A widow's fog

It has been almost a year since my husband, George passed away due to complications from Alzheimer's disease. His death seemed sudden to me, although he started to deteriorate a few months before his death. I was prepared for it but somehow it left me off balance., shocked. When one is a caregiver, all of one's focus is on the process of caring for your loved one. You are always in the moment, not looking forward or backward. He needs to be cleaned, bathed and changed. He needs his meds. He needs to eat. One's days are filled with doctor's appointments, transporting, filling the days with distractions, activities. It is your job, your current career, your life.

I did not cry at his death for several reasons. One, I was too tired, emotionally and physically. Two, I was relieved. Three, I was grateful that he was no longer confused, scared, bewildered at the world he had could no longer fully understand. And, I had already grieved while he was alive. I had lost him several years before. The man I loved was gone, he no longer existed in that frail body.

I have gone about this last year doing the last of my caregiving role. Settling his estate, his affairs, organizing and putting away his part of our life together. And little by little, beginning again. I am moving again. This time into a new life without him. This is my home now. The empty spaces are filled with my things. I have filled the void that he has left with myself. I miss him...the vital, exciting man that had a great sense of humor and big strong arms that hugged me and held me.

I remember when I retired from my job years ago, after a lifetime of working, I was excited about all the free time I would have to finally be able to do all the wonderful things I wanted to do. Then something happened. I felt adrift. I was no longer needed. I was no longer going to be able to make a contribution.
I no longer had a job, a purpose. It took awhile to make that transition but I did. Then true retirement set in.

I am in transition again. My job as a caregiver is over. While I am relieved, I have had that same feeling.
I have slowly come out of the "widow's fog" and am embracing my new life. I am changed. I am alone but not lonely. There are new challenges but the ones that present themselves are not as daunting as the old ones.

I am forced, perhaps for the first time in my adult life, to focus on me. I have been reintroduced to this woman, who has been a mystery until now. And as I get to know her.....I kind of like her.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

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When caring for an elderly friend or family member who has cognitive impairment, you can’t allow your own physical and emotional needs to fall by the wayside.

- Day Care Alzheimers