Finding Middle Ground

I really believe that the early stages of this disease are the most difficult.

When George was diagnosed, I went to work reading everything I could, preparing myself for the future. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I was determined that we were going to be optimistic and face this head on. With expert medical care and "superwoman" in his corner, my husband was going to be alright for a long time and I....great wife that I am..would be there to hold his hand and lovingly go with him into the sunset. Denial is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

Well, as I am sure others have experienced, I learned quickly that Alzheimer's is not a predictable disease in terms of its progression or pathology. George has been a "normal" healthy functioning individual this past year. Some small "brain fades", every now and then, but only noticeable to me. He was forgetful and to all who interact with him, considering his age, this seemed understandable. But slowly, the obvious memory dysfunction started to show. His inability to read a calendar, unloading the dishwasher of dirty dishes, not knowing how to turn on the microwave, etc. The other day I found him pouring over the manual of his car because he couldn't find the fuel gauge on the display near the odometer. Small lapses of confusion....nothing big but enough, just enough to put our otherwise perfect world off balance. I see him every day...we talk...we share our moments and life seems normal...and I get sucked into believing it is in check, it is in remission. And I absentmindedly ask him to be my partner....put the dishes away, water the plants.....do the same mundane tasks that he has done in the past...without a thought, with skill, with efficiency. He asks me....again and again...with confusion and I lose patience...I answer with annoyance and then I see his face, his wounded and fearful expression , and like a sudden blast of cold water, I am aware of where we are today and the fear, the reality, the guilt and the sadness wash over me. It is like a chess game I play with this disease. A good day for me, for us. And when our guard is down....a bad day...something happens and we are back at altering "the plan". Trying to determine what he can do and cannot do. How much do I step in and take over without destroying his self confidence, his independence. Trying to find a middle ground.